Leap: Fall or Flight?

Photo Credit: Wallpaperup.com

I have never been an outstanding student in my life. When I was in first grade, I used to come out on 7th place out of 10 people. When I was in 10th grade, I used to come out on 49th place out of 220. When I was in 12th grade, oh wait... let's not talk about 12th grade at all. Anyways, never in my life has any teacher been proud to have me in their class. Okay, except maybe one. What I mean is, I've always been pretty average when it comes to studying. But otherwise, I've always been on the smarter side. And I know for a fact that I'm smarter than most people in my class. Just so you know, I've never been the modest one either.

Currently, I'm 1.5 years into my undergrad studies. And let me tell you, business school has been an entirely different experience altogether. In Business school, I have felt a sense of belonging. I know this is what I want to do in Life. Being my own boss and all that. In a sense, It's been a breeze.  But a few things still haven't changed. I'm still not the person that comes out on top. Business Finance still doesn't makes any sense to me and I still struggle with the accounting terms. But, If I really think about it, I know I can do better if I actually try. My teachers agree. I swear the first thing that my co-ordinator ever tells me when he sees me is that I should quit being lazy.

I agree with him. Kinda. I really am the laziest person I know. And the fact that I'm writing this instead of studying for my MIS pre-finals tomorrow says a lot about me already. But, if I set my mind to it, I can study and memorize the shit out of it till tomorrow. Ace it even. So the question remains, what's stopping me ?

For the most part, I think I don't want to come out on top at all. Coming out on top would mean there are no competitors anymore. I'd still have to beat other people to the chase again and again as I still have 5 semesters left but i'd never be moving forward. I'd only remain the number 1. There is no number 1+ after all. I think I love competition too much to come first.
Or maybe it's just a lie that I tell myself. Because deep down I know there would be nothing worse than giving something my all and never reaching the top. Maybe I'm too afraid to take the leap because if I fall, my (probably true, unless proven otherwise ) sense of smartness will only remain a pretense. Maybe I don't put in the effort because I know I can't do it. Maybe I'm too afraid to find out that I will never be the number one after all.

Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm more afraid of falling or flying.